In Novelist as a Vocation, Haruki Murakami writes, “This is purely my opinion, but if you want to express yourself as freely as you can, it’s probably best not to start out by asking, ‘What am I seeking?’ Rather, it’s better to ask ‘Who would I be if I weren’t seeking anything?’ and then try to visualize that aspect of yourself.” (p. 68)
Now in my seventies, I am seeking to maintain a balance between the life of a solitary writer shared with an artist husband and the life of continued and treasured involvement with my young grandchildren and their parents who have recently moved away from the beloved neighborhood we have always shared. Now more than ever before, my life feels cleaved in half.
If I were seeking nothing at all, I’d be a reader and
painter, cyclist and hiker, wife and lover, mother and grandmother. At times it
feels like too much, especially now with two homes 84 miles apart. Yet, would
it be enough? Probably not. At the very least, journaling is and has always
been an integral part of my life. I need to organize my thoughts by putting them
on the page – pen to paper.
In journaling, I am seeking mental and emotional clarity. When,
24 years ago, I took my first writing class, I did not intend to write a book.
Rather, I was seeking deeper understanding and emotional stability after family
tragedy. Now, four memoirs and three novels later, what am I seeking? Or
rather, who would I be if I weren’t seeking anything?
Life is full of changes and challenges, both personal and
societal, and perhaps is even richer because of them. That said, writing
continues to be my tool for examining those changes and challenges and
expressing myself creatively. If I were to stop seeking, stop writing, I fear I
would continue to feel this deep split in my life between the old and the
new, between a focused life and routine to one that feels fragmented with little
time to think and write. So I make time to write.
When I began my current project, I told myself it was about
my daughter and her family’s move. When their second child was born nine months
ago, I told myself I was writing a book for her as I had done earlier for her older
brother. I was dabbling in poetry at the time, so I decided to explore writing
a memoir in verse.
Listening to Ronit Plank’s podcast titled “Let’s Talk Memoir,”
with guest Debra Gwartney, I was reminded of key aspects of memoir. Namely, it
must be a story about the narrator’s journey played out through the main
character in a piece of work, whether it be poem, essay or book length.
- What was my initial reaction to their decision to move?
- How did I handle couch-surfing during the remodeling of their new home and during the ADU build out?
- How did I feel about the news of a second child on the way?
- Why did we decide to buy a second home?
- Why do I feel split in two?
- How do I accept the financial limitations on travel in order to prevent distance – emotional as well as physical – between myself and our beloved family?
- Why in the world have I decided to write a memoir in verse without a solid base in poetry?
As I work on my memoir-in-progress and try to answer these
questions and many more, I have also been planning a new memoir writing
workshop to be offered by the Mill Creek and Fairwood Libraries. As a teacher
for forty years, I’m not ready to give up that role either. In preparation, I
have been reading a wide range of memoirs written in a variety of
organizational structures. I enjoy prepping and teaching writing workshops, and
I enjoy what I learn both during my planning process and from workshop
participants.
